This article was posted on one of the wedding message boards I’m on. It’s a real article from 1894.

I found it hilarious, as did everyone else who replied to the post. Kristen, I believe you’ll really enjoy it.

Instruction and Advise for the Young Bride

To
the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing,
the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying
day of her life.

On
the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride
is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony,
symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her
needs for the rest of her life.

On
the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the
bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time
the terrible experience of sex.

At
this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some
young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity
and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband
can easily take advantage of such a bride.

One
cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten:
GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.

Otherwise
what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual
lust. On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme.
While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has
to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time,
and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children
produced through it.

It
is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom
to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be
one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for
the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness
cannot be expected from the average man.

Most
men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise
bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should
make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness,
and headaches are among the wife’s best friends in this matter.
Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective,
if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would
normally commence his seduction.

Clever
wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying
and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife
should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by
the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the
end of the fifth year of marriage.

By
their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their
child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating
all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend
upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the
husband in the home.

Just
as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as
possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the
kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather
perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety
of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others
performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female
body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity,
talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs
and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits
the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make
it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body,
and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when
it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness.
Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns
for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned
in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act.
Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once
the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she
should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes
groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her
direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should
let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will
stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse
to deny him sexual access.

When
he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion
on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic
husband. If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn
her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek
instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist.
If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she
should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed,
and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally
dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If
the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise
wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to
ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going,
no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually,
the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact,
he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife
will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and
only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.

She
will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his
huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still
and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is
in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise
wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes
him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of
their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately
after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no
peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged
to soon try for more.

One
heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact
that the husband’s home, school, church, and social environment
have been working together all through his life to instill in him
a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that
he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame,
already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage
and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate
completely her husband’s desire for sexual expression.

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About wobetxela

Artist, mom, traveler, hiker, babywearer (for as long as they'll let me) and hobbyist photographer.
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2 Responses to

  1. stebow says:

    OMG!!!!! I am in stitches!

  2. christao408 says:

    Why do I think this isn’t *really* from the late 1800s.  It sounds more like a parody.  Still funny, though.

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